by Raquel Gonçalves Lubbers
For many women, receiving an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood can be both validating and overwhelming. For years, they may have struggled with self-doubt, frustration, and the feeling that something was “off,” but without understanding why. The conventional ADHD narrative—centered around hyperactive boys—has left many women undiagnosed, forcing them to mask their struggles while believing they simply weren’t trying hard enough. If this resonates with you, know that your experiences are real, and you are not alone. This is my experience as a late diagnosed woman. I have turned my pain into passion and purpose as I now help other women, couples and families.
Why ADHD in Women Is Overlooked
ADHD often presents differently in females than in males, which is a major reason why so many women go undiagnosed. While boys with ADHD are more likely to display overt hyperactivity, girls tend to exhibit inattentiveness, mental restlessness, and executive function challenges that are often mistaken for personality flaws rather than neurological differences. Societal norms and expectations also play a role as women are more likely to work overtime to hide their struggles.
As a result, many women have internalized mischaracterizations of their struggles, believing they are:
- Lazy or disorganized when they actually have executive function challenges
- Overly emotional or sensitive when they experience rejection-sensitive dysphoria
- Perfectionists or people-pleasers as a way to compensate for their struggles
- Easily overwhelmed when they have difficulty with transitions and task initiation
Rather than receiving appropriate support, many women instead develop coping mechanisms—sometimes unhealthy ones—just to keep up with life’s demands.
The Emotional Weight of a Late Diagnosis
For women diagnosed later in life, the news can bring a mix of relief and grief. Relief because they finally have an explanation for their challenges. Grief because they recognize the years they spent blaming themselves.
It’s completely natural to feel a range of emotions, including:
- Validation—realizing that your struggles were never about character flaws
- Frustration—wishing you had known earlier and received support sooner
- Anger—feeling the professionals you sought help from should have been better trained to identify ADHD
- Sadness—mourning the unnecessary hardship you endured
- Hope—knowing that now, you can learn to work with your brain rather than against it
Recognizing and facing these emotions as part of the healing process is critical. Understanding your ADHD doesn’t change the past, but it does give you the power to shape your future with self-compassion and intention.
Why “Naming It” Matters: The Power of a Diagnosis
Some people worry that a diagnosis might be limiting, but in reality, not having one doesn’t mean you are without labels. Many late-diagnosed women have spent years being labeled—by themselves and others—as scattered, forgetful, lazy, overly sensitive, or bossy. For some women, the label might have even been positive, like “high achieving go getter”, but the internal paradox of ADHD may have led to imposter syndrome, anxiety and depression. ADHD doesn’t put you in a box; it gives you the clarity and knowledge to step out of the one society placed you in.
Name it to tame it by:
- Understanding that executive function challenges are not moral failings
- Learning strategies that work with your brain rather than against it
- Gaining the ability to self-advocate and seek support
- Recognizing that you are not alone—there is a community of women with shared experiences
Self-awareness leads to self-acceptance, and from there, you can begin making choices that support your unique way of thinking and processing the world.
Moving Forward: Thriving with ADHD
Getting diagnosed is only the first step in an ongoing “hero journey”. Here are ways to support yourself in the next phase:
- Educate Yourself – Learn about ADHD through reputable sources, especially how it manifests in women.
- Practice Self-Compassion – Rewrite your self-narrative. You were never lazy or incapable; you were navigating life with an undiagnosed neurodivergent brain.
- Seek Support – Whether through ADHD coaching, therapy, support groups, or online communities, connection can be transformative.
- Experiment with Neurodivergent Strategies – Try different tools, such as visual reminders, body doubling, or structured routines, to see what best supports your executive function.
- Self-Advocate – In relationships, at work, and with healthcare providers, advocate for the accommodations and understanding you need to thrive.
My Personal Journey: Finding Radical Agency and Self-Acceptance
For me, this was the hero’s journey I had been missing my whole life. When I was finally diagnosed, it was incredibly liberating. I stopped working overtime to hide my challenges and started accepting them. But it wasn’t a smooth ride—I rode a roller coaster of big emotions along the way.
In the beginning, I set out to “fix” it. I thought if I just learned enough, I could finally get everything under control. Now, I strive for a balance between radical agency and radical self-acceptance.
Radical Agency means being proactive in learning executive function strategies, especially for emotional regulation. I became a certified ADHD and Parent Coach. I immersed myself in positive psychology, mindfulness and neuroscience. I even developed models to help myself and my family. I now share my 7Cs, ST FEAR and Radical Agency in my coaching and speaking.
Radical self-acceptance means no longer holding myself to impossible standards. It means honoring my body, energy and emotions, not suppressing them. I’ve learned to separate my worth from my productivity. ADHD has no cure and I know I will have bad days. I refuse to feel shame because I’ve learned to love myself unconditionally. If there were a cure, I wouldn’t want it. I accept that much of what I love about myself is also a product of my differently wired brain. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
This journey has changed everything for me, and I hope it does for you too.
Embracing Your ADHD, Embracing Yourself
Your ADHD is not a flaw—it’s a different way of thinking, processing, and engaging with the world. While challenges exist, so do strengths: creativity, empathy, passion, and resilience. The goal isn’t to “fix” yourself but to understand your brain’s unique wiring and build a life that aligns with your needs.
If you’ve felt unseen, unheard, or misunderstood for years, let this be your turning point. You may have felt broken, but that’s only because you didn’t understand your brain and your nervous system. Will you accept the call to embark on your unique hero journey that leads to self-acceptance, self-empowerment, and self-compassion? You deserve it.
